We just had a lovely long holiday weekend. With PER traveling so much these days, it was extra nice to have him home. Sometimes when PER gets home from a trip, Aleksander needs a little time to get settled again. But this time, things have been great. Aleksander is even going right into PER’s arms at night to let his Daddy put him to bed.
I, on the other hand, am having trouble adjusting. At least when it comes to our German time. Whenever PER is home during the day, I have such a difficult time moving into – and staying in – German. I forget to make the switch at lunchtime. I usually have switched by naptime, so we’re still getting a story and song in German. I can remember to speak German when I get him after his nap. But as soon as PER is in the room, I slip right back into English. I’m really quite frustrated!
How do you OPOL parents do it? Maybe since you don’t switch, you don’t really have to think about it? But do you find it difficult when you’re speaking to your spouse in one language and your child(ren) in another?
Here’s another situation I haven’t figured out yet…. Last week, we were at the shoe store getting new sneakers and sandals for Aleksander. It was the afternoon, so I’d been speaking German with him. But then began the interaction with the sales woman. It felt so strange to speak German to Aleksander in front of her - more so than, say, in the checkout line at the grocery store. I think it felt more awkward, because she was actually part of the interaction. I felt I was leaving her out if I continued speaking German with Aleksander. So what do I do? Stay strict and speak German? (Setz dich hin. Ziehen wir die Schuhe aus.) Or be “polite” and switch to English? (Sit down. Let’s take off your shoes.)
Any advice???
Ooooh, I think your brain gets used to picking your language depending on whom you are speaking with/what time of day it is/whatever strategy you choose if you do this for a while, at least mine seems to
It doesn’t mean that you won’t slip up at times, but it seems to get a lot easier.
As for speaking something your partner doesn’t understand… judging by my own feelings on this and being very honest about it, it gets harder as time goes on and you have more challenging/deeper conversations with the kid. My husband has always done ok with basics like “Ab ins Bett” and that kind of thing, but is lost when our almost 6 year old ponders the bigger questions in life, all in German. We accommodate as best as we can by translating or filling him in later – but it sure isn’t the same as having a conversation in a language the whole family can understand.
And the shopkeeper…. heh, that’s something I’m still trying to figure out
When my kids were younger (and couldn’t speak much), I used to switch into English in those situations, all the while thinking I should continue in German, but now that they are older and understand how OPOL works, they see nothing wrong with speaking English with the shopkeeper/neighbour/whatever and German with me. So I tend to follow their lead – German with them, English with the other person.
Not sure this helps much, it’s just how we have come to deal with it. I’m sure everyone has their own take on it, depending on personal preferences and how strict about OPOL they are. And I think a lot also has to do with your goals for Aleksander’s bilingualism. Are you okay if he understands but doesn’t necessarily speak German? Do you want him to do both? Fluently?
Anyway, just some food for thought, I could go on forever, but this is your blog after all
Thanks so much for your thoughts! I really appreciate it!
) We’ll likely send him to the Saturday school where I teach in a couple of years, too. I guess we’ll just keep taking it one day at a time, as we’ve been doing thus far!
It’s funny – the problem isn’t actually that PER doesn’t understand. He actually speaks passable German – and of course understands more than he can say. I hadn’t really thought about that dilemma. At least I won’t have to worry about him feeling left out as Aleksander gets older and we have similar “deep” conversations.
I guess the issue for me is that I *don’t* use OPOL. So because I switch, it makes it harder to remember which language to use. I’m also influenced by the language being spoken around me. So I guess it’s up to me to be more diligent.
And as far as the shopkeeper goes, I think I also have to get over my own feelings of awkwardness and just go for it!
To answer your other question, I really would love for Aleksander to be completely bilingual. I hope my method of splitting our days between English and German will be enough to make that happen. As a teacher, I have lots of materials to draw from when he gets older, so hopefully that will help (and not feel too much like extra homework
I totally understand what you are saying. I have the exact same problem (just the other way around
). I don’t know how OPOL is ever going to work for us because it just feels so super awkward to stay with English when there are only German speakers around. I know some people manage to do it, but I have no idea how. It takes so much courage. Ever since we’ve been home from our almost 4 week trip to the States it got a lot better and I mostly manage to stay with English now when my spouse is around but sometimes I still can’t. When there are more people involved I usually fail. I find myself not saying anything at all then just to avoid speaking German because I don’t have the courage to use English. Weird. What I find encouraging though is that others have the exact same problem so maybe just knowing that this is what we naturally go through can be the solution to slowly get better at staying with the language we want to speak with our child. And often I just tell myself to relax and use the language I feel comfortable in then – screw OPOL. When we get home I sit down with my son and read a book to him and give him some extra language input.
I’ve been amazed how much courage it takes to speak German in public. Courage??? When I was reading about bilingualism when I was pregnant, I was surprised to read about this issue. What’s the big deal? Just speak the language….
(Well, at least when he starts speaking, too….)
Then I started speaking German with Aleksander. Ha! I was so surprised by how shy I was about speaking another language with him in public. It really does take courage! When I hear other parents speaking another language with their child(ren), it makes me smile. I love to hear it. But I love being bilingual. And I guess there are plenty of people who don’t understand that. Is that why it’s hard? Is it a fear that someone will think I’m weird? Maybe a little. I think I also just feel rude saying something others wouldn’t understand. Maybe I should think of it more as a “secret language” that Aleksander and I can share
You’re not alone in falling silent when around speakers of the majority language. It seems to be a natural response.
It does help to know we’re not alone, too! I think the key is just practice. We were at the mall with our playgroup today (I think I’ve mentioned before, but just to recap: Anika is German and speaks German with her son; Laura is Brazilian and speaks Portuguese with her son; but we speak English to each other as the common language.) It makes it easier that we all speak a language other than English with our kids. And I get more comfortable with it each time we meet. And I find that spills over into other situations, too. The more I do it, the more comfortable I feel. So just keep doing it! Sometimes we’ll muddle through it, but it’s worth it in the end, right?
Kate
Thanks so much for leading me here via a comment you left on my blog. I have been reading through your old posts little by little and this one really struck me. Bizarrely, I had no idea that this whole business of falling silent in the company of majority language speakers was so common.
I definately worry about my approach in public. When Poppette and I are alone or with her father (English speaking) I rattle away in French happily. As soon as a third party enters the equation I seem to go mute because I am conscious I want to be speaking to Poppette in French rather than English but i am too embarrassed to speak french on front of these people so I just dont say anything.
This cant be good for Poppette’s development and let’s not even getr started on what terrible signals I am sending out to her about the status of our minority language!
This is an issue I think about continually. The rational answer is that I shouldn’t care what other people think and just get on and do it – after all, how crazy would it be to deprive my daughter of the gift of a second language simply because I fear that some people might find my speaking french to her wierd or pretentious or amusing (and actually – would people think this anyway……and if they did, wouldn’t it say more about them than it does me anyway etc etc)…
Hearing that this silence is a common occurence (even for native speakers) simply because most people don’t really like to stand out, makes me feel somehow less upset with myself. The way I see it, for me at least, is that the more I hide the worse it gets because there is never a good time to begin speaking the minority language in front of friends or family that have not heard you speak it before. I think pushing yourself little by little is the answer… conquering the fear one person at a time.
Look forward to reading more about your story
Wow! What an inspiration! I love what you say about our fears… why do we care if someone thinks we are “weird or pretentious or amusing” or whatever! It really is not a reflection on us, but rather on that person! What a comforting thought. I feel like that lets me off the hook in a way.
It’s so true, too, that you have to just start doing it, little by little. I already find that the more I speak German with Aleksander, the easier it is and the more I do it. Sometimes I get on such a roll, I forget it’s time to switch back to English! So if I can just push myself to speak more German in public, it can only get easier.
Every time I teach a class, I find students who are reluctant to speak German. They are usually afraid of making a mistake and thereby looking foolish. I encourage them to speak anyway, since we all make mistakes, and this is one way we learn. I could give myself the same advice. Whatever the reason I feel embarrassed to speak in public, the more I do it the better I’ll get at it, the more I’ll learn, and the more Aleksander will benefit!